This site contains material that may trigger**. It is intended to give hope and help to everyone who comes here. If you are seeking immediate help, please call 911 or your local suicide prevention hotline IMMEDIATELY!"

I created this page because I feel that there are not enough resources out there for self injuries. Not only that, but I feel that the number of self mutilators has been increasing dramatically over the last couple of years. My hope is that this page provides hope and help not only for injuries, but for those who know injuries. Self injury has been a "hidden problem" for so many years, and it is time for it to be discussed openly.

Many people have asked me how could I openly display this about myself for the whole world to read. Well I feel this is part of my search for recovery. It is hard to admit and write about something so unmercifully. Something I have taught myself to be ashamed of and hide from others. But, It is a part of me that I have to learn to overcome and not be ashamed of, and if I can help one person, or help a family member understand someone they know that is a cutter, then I have succeeded one goal. Even though I am scrutinized and judged by the public, at least I have had the courage to reveal my struggles. Many people have had experience with self injuries, such as Angelina Jolie, Princess Diana, Johnny Depp and more... this page here has many more.

I have always looked normal and happy to others my entire life. Those who are outside of my family but also to some that were in my family. Many people did not know this about me, because it is not something you want to show. After cutting, you realize what you have done, or in my case, when I am cutting, I don't think of the after effects, just the release of the anxiety, fear, anger or other emotions at the time that triggers it. I was probably around eleven years old the first time I self-injured. I don't know what triggered it, maybe something happened that I don't remember and still don't to this day, but I remember taking a razor blade from my grandfathers old-fashioned razor, you unscrewed the bottom and the blade could come out so you could put new ones in the razor. I took it out and went out back and sat on the steps and just began slicing randomly on the top of my thighs . . . I had several scratches/cuts across my legs. I don't think I felt the pain. I don't remember it if I did . . . but I remember the feeling of, I have got to hide this . . . it was then I guess I knew it was not normal to have this type of addiction or problem but I was too young to understand it all. Throughout my teenage years I cut, or did other self injury things to myself including drugs. I still cut today but I have been going to therapy and have been placed on some medications finally after many attempts that are working! (So far) It's an every day struggle. I have managed to become clean and sober now for three years with only one relapse, when my mom passed away and I became divorced but I haven't used since then (9-15-05). It's a struggle too. I have also done a page on my recovery. I would like to share this research or explanation if you will that I wrote about SI.

Do you cut yourself with knives, razor blades, broken glass, needles, nails, paper clips, pins, scissors, tacks, anything you can get your hands on? Do you bang your head against walls? Punch walls till your hand go all bruised and bloody? Do you throw yourself through panes of glass? Do you ever set you hair and/or skin on fire? Do you swallow batteries so they'll open up inside you, burning your organs with battery acid? Do you swallow broken glass, razor blades or needles? Do you ever hit your self with blunt objects? Do you punch yourself in the stomach, legs, head? Do you try to break your own bones? Expose your body to extreme weather conditions without wearing protective clothing so you'll get frostbite or sunburn or chills and fevers? Stare directly into the sun until it nearly blinds you? Do you pull out your hair? Bite or scratch yourself bloody? Do you ever feel extremely anxious and/or numb to the world for periods of time until you hurt your body to break out of it, to feel alive, to feel anything at all? Do you interfere with the healing of your wounds? Do you wear turtlenecks and long sleeves to hide the evidence?

If you do any of these things, WE are NOT the only one!

1.9 million Americans do these things, and do them repeatedly, some for years at a time, according to one conservative estimate. 1 Another source says 750 of every 100,000 people in the U.S. self-injure. 2 We are NOT CRAZY. We are NOT SUICIDAL, although a third of them expect to be dead within five years. I suffer from what is called by some "Deliberate Self Harm Syndrome," by others "complex post-traumatic stress disorder" (PTSD), "Repetitive Self-Harm Syndrome" or "multiple personality/dissociative identity disorders" (MPD/DID). Many of us people simply call ourselves "cutters," and some simply call what they do SI, or self-injury, and use SI as a verb, as in "I SI once a month."

The majority of cutters are women, between the ages of 13 and 30, but there are cutters of every age and gender. The majority of cutters have been sexually molested and/or physically abused during their childhood. Many are survivors of incest.

Abuse of children has a long history. Many cutters come from families with a history of alcohol and/or drug abuse and sometimes mental illness. (I am a recovered drug addict)

Self-injury is a self-preservation technique for many cutters; the self-mutilation relieves anxiety and/or depersonalization symptoms which could lead to psychosis or suicide if not alleviated. Self-harm can be focusing, calming. It can give a person a feeling of control over their lives and their bodies which they have experienced no other way. People trying to help cutters should not try to take this coping mechanism away from the cutters without helping them first come to terms with things that trigger incidents and learning new, healthier coping mechanisms with which to replace the old ones.

For many cutters, self-mutilation seems the only appropriate response to the state of the world and to how they're feeling about it and about themselves. Many cutters are extremely intelligent, sensitive, and creative people who have a hypersensitivity to the world around them. They may feel like an open wound walking through this extremely screwed up world while most people see m happily oblivious to all that's wrong with everything.

Even if you are not a cutter, you undoubtedly know someone who is. You may not know about their experiences, because they usually carefully hide this from you. When people find out, someone is a cutter, there's a chance that a person will be locked up in an institution or the psych-ward of a nearby hospital. There's a chance that she/he will lose her/his job, or be kicked out of school. The people around her/him usually don't understand what's going on, and they sometimes flip. They're often very upset and sometimes even fear this person. An institution usually makes things much worse, isolating and branding a person who's locked up, taking away her freedom, causing people to lose respect for her. Most doctors seem to know precious little about this syndrome, and even less what to do about it. Pharmaceutical drugs are not the answers, as this is not caused by a biochemical imbalance. So it's very important that a cutter hide her wounds from the public and even from her closest friends.

Ironically, meeting and talking to other cutters can be a path toward recovery. Many cutters think they are alone that they are the only one. So it's important that those of us who have the strength to do so come out about our experiences and share them with others. We can form support groups and help each other get through and past this part of our lives. We can educate the public so cutters will be treated with understanding and respect. We can fight against one of the main causes of this syndrome, child abuse, hopefully preventing young people from ever having to go through such painful and destructive experiences. We can out the fuckers who do this shit to kids, and increase public awareness of the very real and prevalent dangers children face at the hands of the grownups who are supposed to be taking care of them, teaching them, raising them, loving them.

One of the ways many cutters have helped themselves recover and stop injuring themselves has been through an artistic self-expression. Even the physical act of creating art can be cathartic and release some of the tension, as in drawing X's by the hundreds as a replacement for cutting, or playing music that by it's very energy and volume (such as punk, speed metal, thrash, etc.) allows feelings to surface and explode from the body that otherwise might've come out in blood. Writing has also been a good way to express and explore ones feelings in a world with very few outlets for expression of emotions which most people have little understanding or patience for.

Some cutters have found that it helps just to get out of the house/apartment, seek a change the scenery, go find someone to talk to, get involved in some kind of activity. Movement and dance can also help a person get back into her body, ground herself, release tension through more harmless physical activities. Strenuous exercise routines have helped others, since this helps your body release the same painkilling endorphin released during physical pain. This endorphin rush may be one of the results sought by cutters, as it is by runners and by people who enjoy being tattooed or pierced. (I have several piercing and tattoos, and I feel this is a catch 22 for relief of pain and for expression of art)

Those of you who have never been cutters may think you "above" us who are. Let me remind you that people self-injure every day in thousands of ways not necessarily included in a DSH diagnosis. Do you smoke cigarettes, drink booze, drink cup after cup of caffeine? Do you eat too little, eat too much, obsess about food? Do you take laboratory-created drugs? Do you have any tattoos or piercing? Enjoy SM? Spend too much time in front of a computer? Watch a lot of tv? Wear lots of toxic chemicals, plastic-fiber clothing, girdles, or shoes that make no sense whatsoever considering the shape of the human foot? Do you cover your skin with make-up? Do you bleach your hair frequently? Have you had body or facial hair removed? Have you had your stomach stapled, your nose broken and sculpted, your facial skin cut and stretched? Have you had your body fat lipo-suctioned out or silicone implanted into your body? Do you eat food full of pesticides, radiation and hormones, additives and preservatives? Bite your nails? Neglect your body's need for exercise? Work overtime or take work home with you? Rag on yourself for any of a thousand possible shortcomings? Allow yourself to be exposed to dangerous situations (like getting into a car with a drunk driver or going home with a total stranger)? I'm not necessarily saying anything against any of these activities, just pointing out that cutters are not total freaks outside your realm of experience.

Thank you for taking the time to read this page. I hope that it has made a better awareness for those who have any relations to self injury or self inducers.